I have strange dreams. They're usually very vivid and I can usually remember them when I wake up. Over the past few years, they've been kind of violent. There's a lot of running and fighting.. I'm usually the main character of my dreams, running and fighting to protect someone. However, last night was a nice change of tempo. I was shopping! :) I know, every girl's dream! Anyway, I'm supposedly shopping at Costco but it's like a variation of Costco, Target and IKEA. I went in with a very short list and got only what was on the list. These items were small, not in bulk so I guess I was shopping in the Target-y area of the store. When I was getting ready to check out, I realized that I had left my coupon somewhere so I got an associate to help me find it & when I did, I realized that there was an envelope from my father. It had a short note on a colored, striped piece of paper (not rainbow but brown and green) that was the top page of a new pad of paper (the rest of the pages were white with rainbow colored lines) & hundreds of dollars asking if I would grab him some of his favorite cookies. Then I saw a note on a piece of paper with an XBox 360 controller on it from my brother asking me to get some snack things. It said something about wanting healthy snacks but then asked for those square chewy caramels and Christmas cookies. So I continued my shopping with my now personal shopper guy and he brought me to the bulk snack area. It was HUGE. I found the caramels and had to crawl into my father's crawlspace to find all the cookies. I also found Christmas cards and was looking for Christmas postcards but couldn't find any. So I got out of the crawlspace and into a basement-type area where there was a lady there with a blanket and a friend & she was asking if someone could write nicely with iodine. Apparently she wanted someone to write a name on the blanket she was carrying with iodine. Yeah... Then I woke up.
Of course, after I have dreams that are exceptionally strange and seem to flow, I want to search for answers. What does it mean? Why did I dream about that? I find myself (with this dream anyway) able to place why I was dreaming about certain things or people.. I dreampt about the Christmas cards & postcards because I read something on Wednesday about buying Christmas postcards to save money because they're cheaper to mail than cards. I dreampt about the Christmas selection of goodies and decorations because I was in Target last weekend & saw them plus I talked to my mom about the fact that Christmas decorations are already showing up in stores. I dreampt about my father writing me a letter because I've been thinking a lot about the fact that he doesn't write me. I dreampt about my brother and his XBox 360 controller because I think he was playing games with Mike right when I was going to bed. I guess my dad's crawlspace was there because I miss being a part of the family. Also, the crawlspace is where the Christmas decorations are stored. That's about all I can figure. I don't know why I dreampt (sp?) about my father giving me hundreds of dollars or why the colors on the paper that he wrote on were so vivid...
Other than my strange dreams, there's been more that I've been thinking about. Yesterday, I got to meet up with a friend that I haven't seen since we graduated high school. As someone so kindly pointed out, "Wow, you graduated in 2001? That was a loooooong time ago!" Yeah. It's been 9 years. So she's in town for a friend's wedding and we got together for lunch yesterday. We went to Golden Corral since it was cheap, has good food and her 3 year old would be ok there and talked a lot. She looked beautiful like always and was easy to talk to. She also brought a girl named Katie who was going to watch her son while she & Hallie (the bride) went to get mani/pedi after lunch. It was really great to catch up with her and learn a little more about her life. I miss having friends.
That reminds me of something that my husband said the other day. We were talking about the Bears/Packers game and he said, "Well, I would have liked to have a party but you have to have friends first." I don't know why but it made us both start laughing so hard! It's sad but true. We don't really have any friends and we're mostly too depressed to keep in touch with anyone. I know that Mike used to be really good friends with a couple of people but he always did the "work". Whenever they did anything, Mike had to go to them. Whenever anything was planned, Mike did the calling to bring everyone together. I know, it doesn't seem like him but it was. So we moved away and Mike became more depressed and wasn't able to keep in touch. When we came back we met up with them and it's like they've become different people. Then something happened and they haven't spoken since. As far as I go, I find myself stuck between sharing too much information about myself too early or not wanting to share anything. It's like I don't understand the bounds of a friendship and it's almost like I don't want to waste my time with a friendship that's just going to be a superficial friendship. I want to be able to talk to someone, have them listen, give advice or thoughts and I want to be the someone that my friend can come to to talk, have someone (me) listen & I want to be able to give thoughts/advice if the friend desires it. I've had a few friends like that in my life but something happens.. With Julie, Mike & I moved back to the Chicagoland area and we're falling away from each other. We don't see each other almost every day and so we don't share anything any more - not really anyway. I have a couple girls here at work that I think I could be really good friends with and I'm just trying to take it slow.. I mean, I'm not really here to make friends but it's nice to have a couple people I can talk to a little & who are willing to share things with me too.
Anyway.. Sorry about that tangent..
I did want to say that there are some days that I really want to write for all of you and let you know how I'm feeling - especially when I'm feeling really down - but I know that there are some things that you just don't want to know - and probably shouldn't. I guess this goes back to my "bounds" comment earlier. What are the bounds of this blogging relationship? I know I post this to Facebook and I e-mail it to a couple of people.. But I guess there are just things that should be left unsaid.
I hope all is well for you, my reader(s), and I hope you have a great weekend.
I Just Want to Be Ok by Sarah A. Manning is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.