So I've found myself reading a lot more lately.. I enjoy absorbing myself in someone else's world for just a while.
I have just finished reading a couple of books in the past few weeks. I've read Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult,The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan, and just last night I finished Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. Running With Scissors was a very interesting story. Some parts made me a bit uncomfortable, some parts made me feel sad and most of it caught me completly off guard and I thought, "That couldn't possibly have happened." Yet, it's a memoir so it's based off of the truth of what happened in Augusten's life. I'd love to read this with a book club.. It would be very interesting to hear what other people were thinking while reading this book. I wonder if anyone would be interested in joining me for books.. Maybe the Coffee Ladies group? We could meet a couple of times a month..
Ah... Another idea to start something that I'm not sure how to begin. I have the idea, I can spread the word but beyond that, it's like I either lose the motivation or don't have the required drive to complete the thought. Maybe getting in touch with someone at the library would help. I could create a poster and put it up to start a new group. I could put something up at Starbucks (I love going there) and maybe even at Barnes & Noble, my favorite book store.
Of course, I've done this before. Brainstorm how to get something started and don't follow through. I have so many dreams and goals for life but I'm not sure which direction to head. Has anyone else ever run into this problem? I'm lacking direction!!! So frustrating...
Here's just a glimpse into my thoughts.
I love my job. I finally have a job that I enjoy with a company that I'm proud of working for that I know that I can grow with and make a career out of. My husband & I are tackling out past debt & mistakes and I feel as though we're finally making headway with that.
Having said this, I still think about moving away to a place that "I'd rather be". I don't want to be far from my mother, step-father & my siblings but I hate the climate here and would love to be near the ocean.
I've always wanted to live in a coastal area. I remember imagining my home on a cliff overlooking the coast or living in a beach house on the ocean or living in a town within walking distance to the ocean. I have even applied for the Coast Guard but they turned me away due to my weight. That's when I was healthy! I don't know what it is about the ocean that draws me as opposed to a lake but it's always been an ocean in my thoughts and dreams. I even move my Sims to the coast as soon as possible! Of course, to have any of these homes, it requires moving away from my family.
I also dream about the way that I will be.. The habits I will form to be a healthy, happy person.. I love reading books where the person gets up and goes for a run with her (or his) dog every morning. I want to have a very clean but inviting home, I want to be organized and eat healthy and be a woman that other women envy. It's all very superficial, I know but I want that. Yet, when it comes to "real life", I can't seem to motivate myself to get up and get moving. I'm sure that has something to do with my depression that sometimes seems to envelop me into a sea of darkness but how I wish I could just break free and live my life the way I dream.
Ever since I worked at Grumpie's Pizza I've thought about opening up my own restaurant. I even went so far as to scout out locations at my college down in Decatur, IL for my sandwich shop to open up my sophomore year. Of course, I was detoured and never went back and while I know that I wouldn't have met my husband (at least not for years), I do somewhat regret that decision. I'd like to finish my Bachelor Degree. When do I do this? What do I major in? What do I want to do for the rest of my life? Not knowing where my hobbies and happiness lies is not helping with this at all.
I still think about owning my own restaurant though. My husband has expressed to me a desire to own his own bar and so we've kind of combined our dreams to include each other. "One day" we'll open up a retaurant with a bar. We want to be unique and I will design the menu. The bar will be pretty separate from the restaurant and we will have different hours for the sections but that's as far as we've gone. I "know" that we won't do this but I still think it would be nice..
I love my crafts, I love to draw... I want to crochet beautiful blankets and sweaters; I want to create beautiful scrapbooks and decorations that people are proud to show off in their homes. I would like to make my own jewelry and be able to make beautiful gifts.
I love to write. Of course, it's always been journals but I want to write a memoir or a novel. I've started a few projects but never seem to finish. I am afraid that with a memoir, people will be upset with what I write. Even though it's my account of my life and a reflection of my emotions, there are certain people that would be very upset with what I write. Some people may feel uncomfortable with what I write when I write about the effect that they had on my life and while I'd love to finish my thoughts and tell these people exactly how I feel, I'm afraid that it wouldn't be well received. Maybe that's why I'm starting this blog?
I want to be a mother. I don't think that this is going to happen. My husband and I have spoken about it and have discussed the possibility of eventually adopting but then I think about the fact that I won't be able to experience the wonders of pregnancy and childbirth. While I would never say that any woman who has adopted is not a "real" mother, I don't want anybody to think that of me - if we were to one day adopt. Of course, in 3 years I will be 30... With where we're at financially, emotionally... We're not prepared for a child - adoption or otherwise. Then, of course, I'd like to be able to stay home with my child(ren). How am I supposed to have a successful career of any kind when I'm home with my kid(s)?
Anway... Sorry with how long this is. I told you my mind is a tangle of thoughts! Hopefully by writing this all out and getting some feedback, I will be able to work through some of it and find a direction in my life with achievable goals.
Have a wonderful Tuesday.
I Just Want to Be Ok by Sarah A. Manning is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.